Iraq to Deploy Troops to Louisiana, Mississippi
by Aemilia Scott

NEW ORLEANS � Iraqi President Jalal Talabani announced today that he has sent 10,000 Iraqi troops into the most chaotic regions of New Orleans and Biloxi following the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. "These areas of the country are close to anarchy, and it is the responsibility of the world community to react."

The Iraqi National Assembly, in an amazing display of solidarity between Kurds, Shiites and Sunnis, unanimously voted to send 10,000 of its troops into America. "The conditions in New Orleans are a threat to America's freedom, and chaos in one country is a threat to the world community," Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari said. "We cannot let what is happening there destabilize the entire country, and destabilize the whole continent."

Iraqi officials assured President Bush that he is still very much in control of his own country. "The reconstruction operation continues to be an American-led process," former Iraqi President Iyad Allawi said. "The Americans are in control of their own country. As soon as they can manage this crisis on their own, we will happily pull our troops out of New Orleans."

Iraq also will airlift boxes of emergency rations into the Louisiana Superdome, labeled , and either or to distinguish between food and copies of the Quran.

When asked about the efficacy of troop mobilization in the American South, Talabani eschewed public criticism. "We are simply providing Americans with the freedom that their government cannot. The victims of the flood will greet us as liberators."

The Iraqi National Assembly was criticized by the United Nations for entering the situation too quickly, but members of the Assembly issued separate statements assuring the world community that it had a sufficient understanding of American culture and politics to police the area well.

"I rented The Big Easy just yesterday," said Ali Abd-al Aziz, leader of the Islamic Group of Kurdistan. "That'll be the third time I've seen it. It's so great. They hate hurricanes, and they love Dennis Quaid. So they will love us as they love Dennis."

"This is where the girls show their boobs, right? Come on, how hard will it be?" Talabani asked Al Jazeera during a news conference to announce the troop deployment. One Assembly member, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that he felt confident in the Iraqi Government's understanding of the American South. "I watched Biloxi Blues several times since the tragedy," he said. "This military action will take no time at all."

"We will restore order to this region," Talabani said. "No man will go without a meal, and no woman will go uncovered ever again. This I promise."

The reaction from the homeless and destitute citizens of New Orleans was mixed. "I don't really know what this is," said Anne Beaufille, as she and her mother put on the burqas given to them by the troops. "But they said that unless I wore it, I couldn't get any roast beef."

E-mail Aemilia Scott at aemilia at gmail dot com.