The cast:
���� MR. PRALINE
��������� John Cleese
���� SHOP OWNER
��������� Michael Palin
The sketch:
���� A customer enters a pet shop.
���� Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
���� (The owner does not respond.)
���� Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
���� Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
���� Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
���� Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
���� Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
���� Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
���� Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
���� Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
���� Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
���� Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
���� Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
���� Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
���� Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin',
I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've
got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you
���� show...
���� (owner hits the cage)
���� Owner: There, he moved!
���� Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
���� Owner: I never!!
���� Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
���� Owner: I never, never did anything...
���� Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
���� (Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
���� Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
���� Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
���� Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
���� Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
���� Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate,
I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased,
and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
���� ago, you assured me that its total lack of
movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged
squawk.
���� Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
���� Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
���� Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
���� Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining
that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it
had been sitting on its perch in the
���� first place was that it had been NAILED there.
���� (pause)
���� Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there!
If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars,
bent 'em apart with its beak, and
���� VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
���� Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
���� Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
���� Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on!
This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet
'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
���� rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to
the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now
'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
���� bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil,
run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS
AN EX-PARROT!!
���� (pause)
���� Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he
takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round
the back of the shop, and uh,
���� we're right out of parrots.
���� Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
���� Owner: I got a slug.
���� (pause)
���� Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?
���� Owner: Nnnnot really.
���� Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
���� Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
���� Mr. Praline: Well.
���� (pause)
���� Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
���� Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
